The truth is that since I spoke to my ex a month ago on my birthday I have been insane and obsessed with what to do. Just that one hour conversation put me back 10 months. I have been an absolute wreck. He is all I talk about to everyone and anyone that will listen. All I think about is what I should do about us. I feel like an obsessed crack addict searching for a hit. I felt like i was beginning to be okay and then talking to him was like a relapse that put me back to where I was when he left. I have been driving myself crazy going back and forth in my head about what to do. SOme days I know for sure that I want to be with him and will do whatever it takes and then the next day it is so clear to me that it can never work.
There was a woman at the rabbis house who was visiting them from Israel. Her and her 17 year old daughter started talking with me and the rabbi and his wife after the meal. She told me a bit about herself. She was originally from my city and she was secular. When she got married her and her husband decided to be more religious and they moved to Israel to raise their family. I told her about my ex and my situation and that I missed him and wanted so badly to be with him and make it work.
We all talked til almost 2 in the morning. We talked about the fact that I have not been giving a lot of the last few guys a fair chance because my ex is in my head again and that I can't do the last 5 with that attitude or its not a fair challenge. She mentioned that perhaps I met my ex to show me that there are amazing guys like him out there. And that I can and do deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I don't know exactly what else was said but I remember her daughter (very smart young woman) asking me one question. Do you think G-d wants you to marry a non Jew? Without hesitation I answered no. I tried to back track and then explain myself by saying that he wants me to be happy and my ex can make me happy etc. but I heard my own initial answer and it was no. Whether or not that is true (I dont know G-d's will) it is what I feel is true. I left his house and cried the entire way home vowing never to go back.
I felt like a crazy person. I just wanted the noise in my head to stop. I felt like my own thoughts were torturing me and holding me hostage. I was so frustrated. The more I tried not to think the harder and more obsessively I was thinking. I couldn't stop crying I had lost complete control of my own mind and thoughts and I considered driving myself to the mental hospital at 2 in the morning. I honestly couldn't take it anymore. I was mad at the rabbi for inviting me to his house and having me talk to those people, I was mad at my mom (obviously, I always am on this topic) and I was mad at the people in my life who push for love and tell me to go be with him. I wanted everyone to shut up and leave me the F alone. I got home and my mom was still awake and she could see that i had been crying. I told her that I was going crazy. I explained to her that every day, even every hour I change my mind. Not just a little, I change it to "I am 100% sure I am going to be with him" and then an hour later "I am 100% sure I can't be with him". I cried until 6 am and made a decision to stop getting advice from anyone about this. It is a matter of my heart fighting with my head and no one could understand the battle but me. I feel very sad but I needed to hear my own self say out loud that I do not feel right marrying a non Jew.
So I am back to being in the worst possible place in my mind. Unsure. Confused. Frustrated and Angry at myself for being a coward.
That night I lay in bed and prayed for a Jewish version of my ex, just like that lady said.