Sunday, August 15, 2010

Update 35

Friday night I went to the rabbis house. He asked me how things were going and I told him that I had just gone on date 45 and it didn't work out. I told him I had 5 more to go and then I could go and try to talk with my ex, if he would even talk to me. I told him that it made sense in my head and I had decided from the beginning that if 50 dates didn't work out then that meant G-d wanted me to be with my ex. I told him that I was still unsure if I could be okay with marrying a non jew but that I couldn't live like this anymore. I told him that after the next 5 I will have to make a decision and I am leaning towards just trying to make it work with him and just finding a way to be okay with the fact that we may not have such a Jewish home or my kids may not identify as strongly with Judaism. I told him I was not there yet but after the next 5 I would force myself to get there.

The truth is that since I spoke to my ex a month ago on my birthday I have been insane and obsessed with what to do. Just that one hour conversation put me back 10 months. I have been an absolute wreck. He is all I talk about to everyone and anyone that will listen. All I think about is what I should do about us. I feel like an obsessed crack addict searching for a hit. I felt like i was beginning to be okay and then talking to him was like a relapse that put me back to where I was when he left. I have been driving myself crazy going back and forth in my head about what to do. SOme days I know for sure that I want to be with him and will do whatever it takes and then the next day it is so clear to me that it can never work.

There was a woman at the rabbis house who was visiting them from Israel. Her and her 17 year old daughter started talking with me and the rabbi and his wife after the meal. She told me a bit about herself. She was originally from my city and she was secular. When she got married her and her husband decided to be more religious and they moved to Israel to raise their family. I told her about my ex and my situation and that I missed him and wanted so badly to be with him and make it work.
We all talked til almost 2 in the morning. We talked about the fact that I have not been giving a lot of the last few guys a fair chance because my ex is in my head again and that I can't do the last 5 with that attitude or its not a fair challenge. She mentioned that perhaps I met my ex to show me that there are amazing guys like him out there. And that I can and do deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I don't know exactly what else was said but I remember her daughter (very smart young woman) asking me one question. Do you think G-d wants you to marry a non Jew? Without hesitation I answered no. I tried to back track and then explain myself by saying that he wants me to be happy and my ex can make me happy etc. but I heard my own initial answer and it was no. Whether or not that is true (I dont know G-d's will) it is what I feel is true. I left his house and cried the entire way home vowing never to go back.

I felt like a crazy person. I just wanted the noise in my head to stop. I felt like my own thoughts were torturing me and holding me hostage. I was so frustrated. The more I tried not to think the harder and more obsessively I was thinking. I couldn't stop crying I had lost complete control of my own mind and thoughts and I considered driving myself to the mental hospital at 2 in the morning. I honestly couldn't take it anymore. I was mad at the rabbi for inviting me to his house and having me talk to those people, I was mad at my mom (obviously, I always am on this topic) and I was mad at the people in my life who push for love and tell me to go be with him. I wanted everyone to shut up and leave me the F alone. I got home and my mom was still awake and she could see that i had been crying. I told her that I was going crazy. I explained to her that every day, even every hour I change my mind. Not just a little, I change it to "I am 100% sure I am going to be with him" and then an hour later "I am 100% sure I can't be with him". I cried until 6 am and made a decision to stop getting advice from anyone about this. It is a matter of my heart fighting with my head and no one could understand the battle but me. I feel very sad but I needed to hear my own self say out loud that I do not feel right marrying a non Jew.
So I am back to being in the worst possible place in my mind. Unsure. Confused. Frustrated and Angry at myself for being a coward.

That night I lay in bed and prayed for a Jewish version of my ex, just like that lady said.

6 comments:

  1. You have to talk to your ex. You might be very surprised after the talk. Or you could already have a feeling that it may not go as you would hope. They say that when you ask for advise you already know the answer. You just might not be willing to accept it. From your posts, your ex hasn’t done or said anything to indicate that the two of you will ever get together. 5 dates is not going to make a difference and you know it. But you should find out how a person that you want to spend the rest of your life actually feels about you.

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  2. Honestly, I have been reading this blog since it began and I really feel for you and your journey. But you need to make a decision. Enough is enough.

    First of all, I don't think you realize how rare it is to find a love like you had with your ex. Some people spend their whole lives searching for that kind of love, and often they never arrive at anything satisfactory. You found it! You are one of the lucky ones! If you can even envision it as a possibility to marry your ex and keep your faith (which you have already admitted to considering) then it is feasible and you need to just take the plunge.

    Life is full of risks. If you pass up the opportunity to be with him you may never get the chance again. I'm worried that you will end up like many women who have settled and married for reasons other than love, always pining for the one that got away.

    Above all God wants you to love yourself, and if you don't love yourself enough to think that you DESERVE to be happy (with your ex), then you are doing God a great disservice. Don't wait any longer. Call your ex, go see him, email him, anything. You owe it to the both of you to try and salvage this relationship. But if you don't hurry it may be too late.

    Lastly, I want to remind you that life is short. Too short. Don't waste another day fretting about this. You know the right decision, you've known it all along. You haven't been struggling to decide, you've been struggling to accept that the right decision is going to be hard and does not meet your high expectations of perfection. The journey is going to be hard, but it will make the end result all the more worthwhile. You are only going to find that perfection when you can reconcile your feelings about your religion with your feelings about your ex. For someone who is so religious you seem to have little faith in yourself, your family, and your God. If you continue to be true to your heart and your religion it will all work out in the end.

    Best of luck to you.

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  3. Here's a male jewish 20-something perspective. I greatly admire the fact that you're trying to find a Jewish guy, but it doesn't make sense that you've set this arbitrary "50 date" limit. First off, it's about quality, not quantity, of dates. Second, it's very difficult to get to know someone after one date, since most people (including yourself) don't let their true selves come out on a first date.

    I decided to date exclusively Jewish girls a few years ago after having dated a non-jew in college. Judaism is important to me, and I know it will be only more so as I get older and have a family. So I've set that boundary for myself, but not a deadline.

    A few questions about your ex: why is he so adamant about not converting? Does that tell you something about how he feels about Judaism? And why does he insist that you move to Europe? If he's not willing to convert or move for you, are there other things he might not be willing to compromise on?

    The fact that you've come this far, and gone to such lengths to meet a Jewish person shows how important it is for you. You should stay true to that feeling.

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  4. I feel bad for you but I think that you are worried about never finding anyone, and this is the safest bet for you because it is comfortable. It takes time to start a new relationship with someone and you are expecting to meet mr. perfect right away and have all of these memories with him when you just met. When you are with someone there is a chemical that happens called oxytocin (especially if you sleep with them) which connects you to that person. That person may be the worst person for you, but you feel this deep connection to them that you cannot describe (this is a chemical reaction in your body that cannot be erased). (You can read up on this). It may be that you are longing for this connection, even though your ex is not right for you. If you know everything in your head is telling you not to be with your ex including differences in your family, moving, religion then I feel you must listen to your head before your "heart". Tons of people listen only to their heart and when reality sets in and life is 10x harder then they imagined, they regret not listening to their head and making a proper decision. Obviously if you even started this blog, judaism is important to you and is a major part of who you are. I wish you the best of luck!

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  5. I am 40, just got married and am pregnant. My husband just converted to Judaism and he is more religious than I am. I think you are rushing yourself, stressing yourself and worrying to much needlessly. I sort of knew what the universe had in store for me and trusted it. You need to trust that life will unfold happily for you and stop trying so hard to control your destiny. xoxox

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  6. I just found this now, and I can really relate to this blog. I have yet to read all of your entries, but I will definitely try to catch up. Thank you thank you for making me feel like I'm not a total weirdo with this Jewish dating and JDate business.

    Good luck and I hope you really find the happiness you're looking for!

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