In terms of Judaism.... I have been introduced to a few more rabbis and some people here that are supposed to help answer my questions and help me grow spiritually and religiously. I have made it clear to everyone that I am interested in becoming more spiritual but I am not yet comfortable with having religion rammed down my throat. I have been feeling very sad and empty for the last 2 months without my ex. There is a part of me that wants to screw this whole experiment, screw my parents and even Judaism and take the next flight to Europe. The other part of me is saying that if you are not with him because of Judaism then perhaps you should explore Judaism more and become more connected to the religion that I am choosing over the love of my life. Then I had a third idea. Why can't I become more connected to Judaism and then be with him and I wont have that fear that I will lose my Judaism if I am with him. If its strong enough then I wont lose it just because my partner is not Jewish.
I have been getting a million different opinions to this dilemma. I thought Israel would clear up all my doubts and give me clarity but I have never been more confused and conflicted in my life.
Since Israel I have stopped eating milk with meat. I barely used to eat it together until I started dating my ex over 2 years ago. I figure that its a small thing that I can do to show myself that I don't have to lose Judaism just because of the person I am with. And also it is my responsibility to keep myself connected. I can't blame the person I am with for me losing touch with my religion and culture etc. I have also explored the idea of trying to keep more of the customs and perhaps in the future I would want to keep the sabbath.
The most interesting opinion I got was that of my therapist. I did not see him for a month while I was away and then when I saw him this week we talked about my ex and about Judaism. The first thing he mentioned was the fact that I truly believed that the survival of the entire Jewish nation was on my shoulders. This could not be more me! I am a martyr for everything! I can't live for myself and my happiness. I need to make sure my parents and even grandparents are okay with everything I do. I hate to disappoint and let them down. And now I feel like I can't let down an entire nation of people!!! When he said it out loud, I could actually hear how ridiculous it sounded! I have to martyr being with the love of my life (who I have not been able to get over in almost a year and 44 men have not even come close to how great he is) just for the sake of Judaism and my unborn grandchildren.
The next thing he pointed out was the way I explain Judaism. I explain that I love it for its spirituality and family aspect. I love the unconditional love I feel from it and the way I can keep growing with it. I love how it makes me feel complete and connected to something.
Then I explained how my ex makes me feel. I ended up using the same words and adjectives to describe our relationship. It was such a crazy epiphany. The way I feel about my religion is the way I feel about him and the wonderful things that Judaism does for me and with me, so does he! He is the most spiritual person I know, more spiritual than some rabbis and religious people and he allows me to be myself without judgement and to grow and to be a better person.
So I was a bit amazed that the two represent the same things to me and that my life could be AMAZING if there was a way to have both.
Man, do I have some serious thinking to do... I have started to get mini anxiety attacks when I think about him and hopefully that is my body telling me that I need to make a decision soon cause I can't take the back and forth for very much longer.