Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Update 51

We have officially moved back home for the summer. Our house is not ready yet so I am living at my parent's house and he is living at his mom's house. Not an ideal situation but we are both trying to make the best of it. It feels like we are dating again. We go on dates every day for dinner or to the hardware store or furniture store, lol. We also went for a week to Dominican which was a nice getaway from renos!!

Just as he suspected it is way  more stressful being back home. He does a lot for his family and seems to always be running around for one of them. I am trying really hard not to let it bug me but he is so busy with work and barely gets any rest so I feel bad for him when he has to run around! It is so different from living in stress-free Florida. I have been running around like crazy too. Buying paint and picking granite and accessories for the new house. So far it looks fantastic and I can't wait to move in there with him! We basically gutted the whole house. We chose stunning dark grey hardwood for the entire house and a white lacquer kitchen with white/grey granite counter tops. I will try to post a picture when its ready!
Living with his mom and sister is getting very difficult for him so I think we may move in this week even though the house is not perfectly ready yet.

I think we will have an awesome summer with friends and family swimming and eating delicious food! I love him so much and think that I made the best possible choice for a husband for myself! He made a pretty good choice too!!! We really are a great team!!!

Update 50

WOW! I just realized that it has been almost a year since my last update.... Where do i begin???
I took my blog offline about a year ago because my anonymity was broken in my hometown and some of the guys figured out that they were in my blog and got offended by what I wrote. I have decided to put it back online and if anyone would like me to remove a post about them I would be happy to do so.

We got married on October 30, 2011. We had the most beautiful wedding. It was perfect. Every last detail! And I was the calmest bride. It was just so meant to be that I was relaxed and calm and enjoyed every second of it. We finally bought a house too! We are right near my parents, his parents, my sister and one of his sisters. The house is exactly what we were looking for and we have been renovating it since January 2012. After the wedding he took me on a surprise honeymoon. He told me to pack my suitcase and I had no idea where we were going!! It is so strange for me to be so trusting and not controlling! We landed in India and had the most amazing 3 weeks! He planned every last detail. We lived like kings for the entire time we were there. We stayed at the best hotels and ate the best food and had the best time together. After the honeymoon we came home packed up the car with all our stuff and dogs and headed to Florida to his (now our) winter house.  I am so glad that we are in Florida while we are renovating our other house because I think if we were there we would be way too stressed out. I have flown home a few times to choose floors and tiles and kitchen etc. but for the most part our trust is in the architect (his father) who is taking amazing care of the project!

Living in Florida for the last 6 months has been wonderful. I thought I would hate it but I don't! We have had a few people come visit us and it as been fun. We get along so well and barely argue! I am learning to be a good housewife... I do all the grocery shopping and I make dinner sometimes. He is a way better chef than I am so we split the cooking. I am volunteering at 3 different agencies here and I am loving it! I feel like I am really making a difference here and helping people that would not otherwise be able to access my help.On the weekends we have so much fun together. We go out on the boat, for picnics, go for dinners and shows and movies and festivals and charity galas. We even hosted a street BBQ a few weeks ago! I honestly don't know where the last 6 months have gone! The winter is over and it is almost time to go back home (just waiting for the renos to be finished).

I am excited to move back and see friends and family and have pool parties and dinners at our new house. He is stressed about moving back because our lifestyle there will be totally different. In Florida it is just the two of us. No commitment, no plans, no family members, NO STRESS. When we move back, we will be busy every evening and every weekend we will have some family dinner or someones birthday party or something will always be going on. I have enjoyed our alone time but I am so excited to be social and busy again!!!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Update 49

So much has happened since my last update....
I went to a few dress stores. I liked a few dresses but fell in love with a Vera Wang dress that was just ridiculously too expensive. It was hard to like any dress after trying that one on. Until I tried on THE DRESS! I loved it on the spot and didn't want to try anymore on! I booked the venue and the best photographer and a band. Still have a few more things to book. I have been doing most of the planning on my own with the help of my sister, his sister and my best friend and mom. I had a bit of a crazy fight with my sister but that got resolved. He finally came home June 4 at midnight and was too tired to see me. That caused a wonderful fight. NOT! The next day was one of my best friend's weddings and I was one of her bridesmaids. I told him that he needs to meet me there at 6 because I was there from 10 AM doing hair make up, pictures, etc. I hadn't seen him in weeks and I was so angry at him but all that anger went away as soon as I saw him and he saw me all dressed up. We had a fun time at the wedding and I was just so happy that he had finally come home for good and that we would never have to live apart again. The next few weeks have consisted of him working, me planning and LOTS of family BBQs and Brunches and dinners. Then we went to Vegas for a few days cause he had some business there. He had meetings during the day and then we spent the evenings and nights together going for dinner and shopping and walking the strip. It was lots of fun!
Father's Day BBQ was so funny! He got drunk with my dad and they were both laughing and having the best time. It made me soo happy!
Now we are in the process of planning the engagement party. I got my invite list all ready and bugged him for 2 weeks to give me his list and his moms list. I finally got so frustrated that I just sent mine out and told him that I was not going to bug him anymore. He could send his out the day before or not at all, I wasn't prepared to stress over it. I finally got his list and registered for gifts and feel semi ready for the party next month.
Also, we went to look at houses and found the most amazing house in the cutest area. Its not as Jewish as I would like it to be but it is a quaint older area near both our parents and sisters. We both loved it but found out that they were already in a sign back with someone so we could not put in an offer. We were both pretty sad about that. But when we got back from Vegas I noticed it was still for sale so I called and found out that the deal fell through. We are going to see it again tomorrow, fingers crossed!
Things have been pretty good with us considering the stress of planning a wedding. I love him and think we make a great team. We have no problems compromising and working things out and he is pretty calm when I am stressed and visa vera.
I think I am going to have a wonderful life with him and I think I will be a very good wife to him :)

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Update 48

A week after we got engaged, we were planning to go to the Bahamas with his mom, his sister and his niece. The day before we were supposed to leave we decided to take his 14 year old lab to the vet because she was drooling a lot and breathing heavy. The vet said that it was an abscess tooth and that he would need to pull it so we left her there to have it pulled. The vet called him an hour later and told him that when they put her under to pull the tooth they noticed a growth in her mouth which was cancer. He almost fell to the floor. He burst into tears and I just hugged him. His dogs mean the entire world to him. The whole reason he is in Florida in the winters is so that his dogs can swim and not slip on ice. He was a mess. He went to go sit outside for a bit by himslef, then I joined him and just let him cry. It broke my heart to see him like that. We decided that his mom and sister and niece should still go to the Bahamas and that we would stay home with the dogs. I am glad that we did that. I think having everyone at the house would have been a disaster while he was in that state. We picked her up the next morning and he just hugged her and cried more. Watching him with her made me cry too. I told him to just stay with her and not to worry about anything else. I cleaned up the kitchen, the garage, the porch and the bedroom. I didn't know what else to do with my self. Every time she yelped in pain he would feel so terrible for her that I told him to go hang out outside while I sat with her and gave her pain pills or tried to get her to eat etc. He just couldn't bare to hear her in pain and I couldn't bare to see him in pain. He said that he didn't care how much it would cost, he was going to make sure she got better. He researched on line and called dog oncologist etc. I let him be crazy for a few days as I don't know how I would react if anything happened to my dog. Then after she was feeling a bit better and he had stopped crying I felt that I needed to talk to him about the reality of curing a 14 and a half year old dog of cancer. I was very gentle and he admitted he knew that it wasn't very realistic. He went to the oncologist and it turns out that they can treat her and they said that she would be cancer free for at least a year, which would take her way past her life expectancy. He was so thrilled with this news and so was I. The only difficult thing for me is that he was supposed to come home but now has to stay in Florida an extra month for her treatment. That means that I have started to plan the wedding alone. I really wish that he could be here to help but I am happy that his dog will be okay. I pray that she lives as long as she can with out suffering or being in any pain. I do worry about what might happen if she passes away near our wedding and if he will be able to celebrate. But like I have learned so many times before, you plan and G-d laughs, so what ever is meant to be will be.
I am having fun wedding dress shopping and a bit stressed out trying to find a venue. I can't wait until he comes home in a few weeks so that we can finally live in the same city and start our life together.

Update 47

My ex found out that I was engaged. He wrote me an email. It actually put a downer on my high. I was feeling so bad for him after reading his sad depressing email. Then I got super angry that I had wasted even a minute of time worrying about how he was feeling when I was supposed to be spending every second celebrating with my fiance.
This was his email:

Its been seven weeks and fifteen months since we went our different ways.
I know you're not there to confide in, but why should I still try to
stay strong?
All my trying to do what's best for me, for you, for happiness, for what?
I keep hearing Sinead O'Connor singing that 'nothing compares to you' song.

I've a bad head, that weighs fear in my decisions.
I make choices with my mind and watch my heart bleed.
I shouldn't say this, but its been seven weeks and fifteen months.
I don't think you know how bad it hurts and it won't recede.

I want to grow old with someone
I want to know that they will never leave me
I want them to know we are in it together, no matter what.
I want to love them so much it hurts and in the end smile

But baby, I'm not smiling through these tears
I don't know how to put my pieces back together now that you're gone
---

Maybe this can end on a happy note. I loved what we had, I don't know
if I will find anything like it again and the fear tears me up still
sometimes.
one day maybe


And then I wrote an angry email back but decided not to even bother sending it:

I have re-read this email many times. Not sure what to write back. So I will just start to write and see what comes out.
Originally when I read this I felt sad. I pictured you in a dark sad place and wanted to rescue you. But that is not my role in your life. I can not spend one more minute thinking about how you are feeling when I am supposed to be celebrating with someone else.
Then after two days my sad turned into mad. I even felt like calling and yelling at you.
The amount of times you tried to push me away, the amount of times I cried over you. I had one thing that was making my decision a living hell and it was conversion. You said you wouldn't do it. Your arrogance and ego allowed you to allow me to go date 50 other men thinking I was going to come back. In fact you were not even sad. You dated and slept with women and flirted and had a ball. Then you contact me on my birthday and got my feelings back to the surface and then ripped my heart out again one more time the following day. It was not until you deceitfully read my blog and found out that I was with Dale for two months and happy that you decided to contact me and try to mess me up all over again. And still I held you high enough that I decided to try a friendship with you despite possible ramifications with my relationship. And now, NOW that you find out its for real and I am engaged, you decide to wake up and feel sad?!?!?! You are only sad cause you are lonely and I am not and you are the most competitive person I know. If you had someone you would not even realize I was gone. If you love someone and want to be with them you compromise and do whatever it takes to be with them. No games, no chances, no risks. You let fear govern your decisions for most of our relationship and I thought that was normal but its not. I now know what I am willing to do for the person that I am going to marry and that is anything and everything in the whole wide world to make his life easier and better while trusting that he would do the same. After eight days, without fear of rejection or fear of scaring me off, he said he loved me. After 8 months, he bought a ring to make sure I would be his forever, without fear of judgement that it is "too soon". Without hesitation I agreed to move to Florida with him knowing that it is not my ideal situation but that it is so important for him to make sure his old dogs do not suffer through Toronto's winter. When you find the right girl you will do anything to be with her and you will never take the chance of willingly letting her go. I was obviously not your "the one" or none of this would have happened and we would still be together, which means, she is still out there somewhere. And ever though I don't even feel like saying this next sentence or saying anything positive to you I still will because at one point you meant the world to me. Get the F out of bed, out of your dark head and into the world. Go do something, anything. Start loving yourself again like you did when I knew you and then you will attract an awesome girl. Take the lessons that you need from our relationship, don't copy your mistakes, and then you will able to move on in no time at all.


I still haven't responded and have no idea what to say to him. Its been 11 days since he wrote back and he probably thinks I am ignoring him. I'm not I just have no clue what to write. I shared both emails with my fiance. I don't want to feel like I am hiding anything or being disrespectful to him. He said that he felt bad for my ex but he is happy that we didn't work out so that he could have me :)

Update 46

My bf was not able to come in for passover so I decided to go visit him in Florida after the seders. My flight was Saturday night but it got delayed, obviously. So I had to go to an airport that was an hour and a half away from his house and I only arrived at midnight. He was so sweet, he picked me up with a bouquet of pink roses. We drove back to his house and he told me that he had a surprise for me in the back yard. He asked me to wait inside for a few minutes. We had talked about putting a pond in the side yard but decided that it was not a good idea since we have dogs and eventually kids. Last time I saw the yard it was just a pile of mud. He brought me outside and I saw that he had landscaped the entire yard. He put grass, planted palm trees, built a low wall out of stone and planted every single pink plant and flower he could find. He put a fountain and benches and made it into a beautiful serene garden for me. He told me that he did everything himself and made it so that I would feel more like his house was my house and wanted me to have my very own special area. He had lit candles all over the garden and brought out a bottle of wine and two glasses. I had complained that he never wrote me a love letter, so of course he handed me one. It was such a nice note that I almost started to cry.
He had been preparing me that he was designing a ring for me that would look like a roller coaster. Every time he described it to me I had a mini panic attack. I didn't want him to think that I cared too much about a ring but the ring he described sounded terrible. So he pulls out a small pink box from his pocket and told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He opened the box and inside was the ugliest ring I had ever seen. I gave him a huge hug and said that I wanted to marry him too and that I love him so much. I tried not to look at the ring too much. He told me that he put an inscription in the ring and that it was the most importnat part. I tried to read it but it was too dark. He went inside to get me a flashlight. While he was inside I stared at the ring and wondered how I could break the news to him that it was not my taste and that I really didn't like it. With the flashlight I read the inside of the ring. It said "JJ". Which is something I always say which stands for "Just Joking". I looked back up at him and he had the most amazingly beautiful ring in a big box. He handed it to me and said "Did you honestly think I wanted my girl walking around with an ugly ring like that??" I jumped into his arms and hugged and kissed him. He told me that as of now I need to trust him and his taste! He also said that the ugly ring was the best 37 dollars plus shipping and handling that he had ever spent and it was worth every sleepless night it caused me to be able to give me the real ring and have me love it and not ever doubt him again. By this point it was already 3 am and we celebrated all night long :) It was the most thoughtful and wonderful proposal. I could not have asked for a better proposal, ring or man.
I couldn't sleep! I was so excited! I waited up until 9 am Sunday morning so that I could call and tell my parents. My mom was so excited she called every single person she knows. My dad said that she was on the phone all day calling all over the world. My entire family was so excited and happy for me. We spent the next few days in pure bliss and in love like teenagers! It was so wonderful. I am so in love with him. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world! We adore each other and we are such a great supportive loving couple.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Update 45

It has been almost two months since my last post. My blog is still blocked and I have not yet decided what I want to do with it. Things are still going great with my bf. I have been back to Florida once and he has been here once. The last time I went I got to meet his other sister that has been away at law school. She was the last family member for me to meet! She was just as lovely as the rest of the family. Even though she is 3 years older then me, it still felt like I was older and she agreed! She is still in school and living the student life while I have my own career and am dating an older guy and am ready to start my life. The five of us had a great time... (his mom, sister and her bf). Two of the nights he told them that they could join us for the car ride to dinner but that they had to pick their own restaurant cause he wanted to spend time alone with me. I thought that was really thoughtful of him. I think its nice when he does romantic things like that :) We just had a great week while I was there!
I also had to have a very difficult discussion with him. This winter he brought his mom with him to florida for the entire winter. He asked me if I would start coming as of next winter and I told him that I would. I also had to tell him that as much as I love his mom, I am not comfortable with living with her for half a year every year. We talked about it and he assured me that she wouldn't be coming for the whole winter next year just a few times to visit. I was happy that I spoke up and shared my feelings with him and that he was willing to compromise with me.
He came here last week and had a ton of work to do. It was one of my good friend's weddings so I asked him to come in. on the Thursday he decided to take off the afternoon and take me to a hotel in a city 2 hours away. We stayed most of Friday as well and then came home to babysit his niece. We took her with us to my grandmothers house for shabbat dinner. She sat in between us and we both took turns feeding her. He is amazing with her and I got a little glimpse of what parenting would be like with him. He will be a wonderful father and parenting partner for me. The next day was my friends wedding and we decided to get another hotel downtown near the venue. We had such a good time at the wedding! We even crashed another party that was in the other ballroom. We drank a bit together and danced like crazy! It was a really great night! We also went to see a few models homes just for fun and to get an idea of the prices in the area I want to live in. I realize that finding the perfect house with him is going to be a daunting task. He is the son of an amazing architect and he notices every last detail. He has so many requirements that I really wonder how we are ever going to find a house that he likes. Believe it or not, I am not the picky one here!!!
Now he is back in Florida and he told me that he is working on a special surprise for me. There is an area of his backyard that he was going to turn into a pond (but I hated the idea since we have dogs and eventually kids) so he is turning it into a tranquil/romantic spot for us. He said he is even naming it after me because it is turning out to be so beautiful :) I knew he was handy but I didn't realize he was soo handy! He is laying grass, planting trees and even built a brick wall with his own two hands!! I am going there in 2 weeks and I can't wait to see it!
We are talking very seriously about marriage and I hope that he will propose very soon!

My grandfather went into the hospital this week and because he can't be left alone we have all been taking shifts. Last night I was there from 1 am til 6 am and he started to give me and my sister life advise. It was really cute but I think he was seriously doped up on meds. He told my sister that she needs to hurry up and have a baby because she has already been married for 6 months and that I need to hurry up and get married because he is not sure how much time he has left and he wants to see a few more simchas before he goes. I told him that there would be more simchas coming for him in the next year or so and that he has lots to look forward to. He is so funny!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Update 44

So I guess the way my community works is that one person broke my anonymity and disclosed to the group that I lectured that I had a blog. That night I had an insane number of hits on my blog and by the next day I was getting calls and emails from guys that I had blogged about who had seen my blog, read through it and were able to identify themselves and were NOT happy. So I quickly blocked the blog cause I didn't know what else to do... I love writing the blog and got a bunch of emails from people who were quite upset that I blocked it and on the other hand, I don't want to offend people and I don't want everyone in my community to think that I am some mean girl with a burn book! So I am torn.

Valentines Day weekend...
I flew to Florida. On my way I missed a connecting flight due to weather and had to stay over night and the airline didn't even want to pay for my hotel. I made the best of it. I found one of my cousins that lived in that city and hung out with him until my flight the next day. Mean while when I told my bf that I had missed my flight and wasn't coming in until the next day he was so upset. Like more then necessary and I couldn't figure out why. The next morning I arrived in the Miami airport and he made up some story about needing to go pick someone up from the fort Lauderdale airport which I was super annoyed about cause I didn't want to spend V-day with anyone but him. Plus I was super tired and irritated about missing my flight and waking up at 5 am to catch the early flight to Miami. When we got there, he parked and took my bag and his bag into the airport. At this point I realized that he had booked us a flight somewhere else!!! We literally just made the flight because of my delayed situation! He wouldn't let me see where we were going, he just put me on the plane and I found out that we were on our way to Bahamas for the weekend! We had the best time. We rented a car and explored the island. We went to local places to eat and met the most amazing Bahamian people. Since he hates going to "Touristy areas" he always finds the best food that the locals make. The fish was to die for!!! We met another american couple and had dinner with them one night too. He also got me beautiful diamond earrings for Valentines day and for our six month anniversary (just happens to be the same day!) He really treated me like a princess the entire weekend. We got to Florida and I hung out with his mom and sister and niece (who were also visiting him) for a few days and then headed back home. I have never been treated so well in my life. He is amazing to me and I am so happy that I am with him. I can't wait til winter is over and he moves back home so we can start the next part of our lives together.

this past weekend I went to Las Vegas for my girlfriends bachelorette party. It was insane!!! We were 12 girls and we had a really great time. But I missed him terribly. Although I was having fun I did not wish to be single again, not for one second. I did not envy the girls who were making out with random guys on the dance floor. I was happy knowing that I have my bf and that we love each other. This was a huge test for me too... In past relationships I have been quite tempted in Vegas and this time not even for one second.

I have had a few people approach me and email me wanting to get relationship advice. I am strongly considering doing a course and combining the course with the fact that I have been a counselor and life coach for 7 years and possibly doing some relationship stuff on the side. We shall see where life takes me :)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Update 43

He came in last week for 6 days to be with me. He stayed with me at my parents house which was so nice! I loved having him next to me again while I slept. He had a crazy busy work week so we didn't spend that much time during the day together but we spent every evening together. He was a bit crabby for the first 2 days because of the miserable winter weather and because of stress at work etc. His mom called me to see how I was doing and I told her that her son was being a misery. She immediately called him and gave him a lecture which he told me about the next day! She told him that I am the best thing to ever happen to him and that he better stop being crabby and not scare me away or else he will have to answer to her! I thought that was so sweet of her and so did he! He said that his mom has never really cared for any of his ex girlfriends and he was so surprised to get this lecture from her. After they spoke he was back to his sweet self. We had a great time together. We had dinner one night with my sister and her hubby and my bff and a guy she is kinda dating. Friday night he came for shabbat dinner to my grandmother's (dad's mom) house and then for dessert to my mom's sisters house. Saturday we spent the day with his niece and ran errands. I got to see how we work together as parents and I think we will do a great job one day! He is amazing with her and she adores him and loves spending time with us! I even surprised him by setting up our massage table in my room so that we could give each other professional massages, it was such a great idea! Now we are apart for 5 days until I go visit him in Florida for Valentines Day weekend/ our six month anniversary. I wonder what he has planned for us! I love him so much!

Also, I was asked to do a lecture on finding your soul-mate with out settling and share my story with a group of single Jewish girls around my age. I did it today and it was amazing! There were about 45 girls who showed up and one girl even happened to be a follower of my blog. What are the odds!! I wasn't going to mention my blog cause its very important to me to stay anonymous but she recognized my story and it kind of got out... I really hope that it doesn't leak out to any of the 45 guys I dated cause I would feel terrible if any of them found out. The girls that were there all reminded me of myself when I was struggling to find my match. The questions they had were the same questions I found myself asking just a few months ago. I wish I could give everyone the gift of faith and patience to be able to a) believe he is out there and b) be able to wait for him without going crazy!

I will update after Valentines day! I wish everyone a happy Vday weekend!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Update 42

Happy New Year!!!!

I'm back from Florida and back to the cold and back to work :( In a few days it will be 5 full months that we are together and 6 months on Valentine's day!!!
My bf is still in Florida and will remain there for most of the winter with his mom. It is not as difficult as I thought it would be and we are talking a lot on the phone and he is catching up on all the work that he didn't do while I was there. He is coming home for a bit to see me end of January and I am sooo excited!
Florida was awesome. Our moms got along fabulously and all four of us had a great time. My mom was so impressed with his cooking, she has been talking about it to everyone, lol. We did some shopping, ate out alot and swam and sat by the pool and just enjoyed the weather. We also went to visit my moms mom, who lives in Florida in the winter too. She made all four of us lunch and although I was nervous about it, it went very well. She wasn't too annoying and didn't say anything inappropriate like "when are you two getting married? I am getting older and I want to know that all my granddaughters are well taken care of. For all you know I could die very soon and miss the wedding!" His mom and I got along great which is something that means the world to me after what I went through with my ex finance's mother. And he got along great with my mom which also means so much to me after how she felt about my non Jewish ex.
We had one interesting argument while I was there. He said that the one thing he will not give up even when we have kids is bacon. I said that he could eat it but not in our house or in front of our children. He said that was very hypocritical and he had no intension of living like a hypocrite. He is usually so easy going and so I was shocked that he would be stuck on such a dumb thing like the three times a year he likes to make bacon at home. I'm not sure how it ended but i think something about his own bacon pan that he can use in the garage, lol!!!
I was a bit irritated because one of the reasons I wanted to marry Jewish was to avoid things like this and it just shows me that there will still be religion issues even if I marry a Jewish person.

I spoke to my ex again. He seems lost. He said something about quiting his job and going to Bali to surf. I feel sad for him. He says he is fine and that he is excited for some adventure but I know lost when I hear it and he is definitely seeking something by making all these changes. He sounded very "eat, pray, love" to me. But it not my problem and I didn't try to help him or solve anything for him. I listened for a bit and then told him that I had to go because I was with my best friend watching Desperate Housewives. If you would have told me 6 months ago that one day watching TV would be more important then talking to him I would have told you that you were crazy. I can't believe how much my feelings changed. I am so indifferent to him. I feel nothing. I wish him the best cause he is a great guy but his life has no effect on mine what-so-ever, which is weird cause there was a time when everything he did and said directly effected my life.
I am so excited to move forward in the relationship that I am in. We have already talked about marriage and children and where we would live etc. It is so amazing to be in a relationship that doesn't have you constantly questioning "is this right for me". It feels right and I have no reason to question it.
The winter is going to be hard cause he is not here but so far so good. One week down and like 10 more to go :(
I think I am being a good sport about it and we will visit back and forth and hopefully the winter will fly by and he will come back home soon! I miss him and I am counting down til his visit in a few weeks.
Thats all I can think of now! I hope everyone had an awesome new years and Hanukkah and Christmas!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Update 41

FLORIDA!
We drove down to Florida together a few days ago with the dogs. It was a good drive and we laughed a lot. He let me listen to my hip hop music and made funny imitations of my dance moves. We got to his house and immediately he became the happiest person in the world. He loves his house and the warm weather puts him in the best mood. The last few days we spent cleaning up, grocery shopping, watching the dogs swim, showering in the backyard shower and making trips to Home Depot like a cute married couple. We have been cooking together and having the best time. His house is beautiful and I feel very at home with him here.
I discovered that he is an amazing chef! He made me the most delicious dinner last night. We had steak and portobello mushrooms and salad. Tonight he is making ceviche, yum!
We drank a bottle of wine (which I barely ever do) and we got drunk together and had so much fun! We were acting like silly teenagers in love!
He really likes to take care of me which is kind of weird for me. I am usually the caretaker in relationships and he treats me like a princess. This morning while I lay in bed he did our laundry and cleaned the kitchen from our drunk dinner last night. Its something that I can definitely get used to. I am really in love with him. He told me that he wants to be with me forever and wants to marry me one day. He is treating his house like its our house already. I am here til the first week in January and then I go back home but he stays in florida. Its going to be a difficult winter but I think we will get through it.
Our moms are flying in tomorrow, should be interesting to say the least! We stocked the fridge with tons of yummy food that he is going to make for all of us this week. We are going to leave the moms with the dogs for a few days and go on a mini vacation together. I am excited to relax and party with him.
I think we are an awesome couple! Its been over 4 months and I am still so happy!
I will update on the mini vacation and the how it goes with moms, lol.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Update 40

So a few things...
My sister and her husband are away on their honeymoon. Since my sister works for my dad and there is no one to cover for her, I had to or else she couldn't really go at this time. I am also watching her house and puppy. My boyfriend moved in with me there for the 2 weeks and together we now have 4 dogs... kill me!! We have my Minpin, my sisters Yorkie, his yellow lab and his big black dog. I am working about 60 hours this week and next week, my sisters job and mine. It has been fun playing house but I realize that when we are both working so much, we are not going to have much time to spend together even if we live together. Some nights he finished working and came to bed at like 5 in the morning when I was already sleeping for hours. And then I left at 8 am while he remained sleeping.
I got very irritated with my ex. He called me to tell me about his business idea. He decided to quit his job in Europe a year early. The same job that he told me he couldn't quit because he was on contract with them for 3 years and I would have to move there to be with him until his contract was up. Then he tell me that he knows of a place about an hour from where I live where he thinks we can start a camp type wilderness program for teens. An hour from where I live!!!! A year ago I would have begged him on my hands and knees to quit his job and move here!!! Now that I am with someone else and happy, he does everything that I had wanted him to do a year ago. The real kick in the ass was when he told me that if it had felt more right then he would convert. I was wanting him to say that there was some hope of conversion for the entire time we were together and now he says it?!?!?
Anyway, I listened to his idea about the camp and then told him that besides the fact that I would need to see numbers to see if it actually made sense.... How would I explain to my bf that I am going to be spending three weeks every other month alone in the forest with my ex.
The next day I got a message saying "My mom says to just tell him that I am not Jewish". WOAH!!!! Passive agressive much?? Why dont you tell me how your mom really feels??? I was so angry and upset that he would say that to me. Like what a stab for no reason. Just tell him I am not Jewish and then he wont worry about us hanging out... as if he is telling me that I think he is dirt or less then or I view myself as above him. And as if my bf gives a crap about his religion and would want me alone in the woods with any guy, period. It was an ignorant comment and there was no reason to go there and bring up Judaism again. I felt very attacked and was surprised that he went there. These little things that he is doing just helps me realize that i have made the right decision. And that the issue of Judaism would have eventually come up with his family and they would resent me if he ever converted or even if I wanted to raise my children Jewsih.

I also have been having a pretty sad week. I'm not sure if everyone heard the news but last friday in Israel there was a crazy fire. They lost millions of trees and had to evacuate thousands of people. And there was a bus with about 40 students studying to be Generals in the police that were going to help evacuate a prison. The bus caught on fire and my cousin was one of the students that was literally burned alive on the bus. She is the one that i just spent the summer with. She was newly married and planned to have a baby next year. She just wanted to finsih this course and then wanted to start her family. Our hearts are all broken from this loss. We have decided to plant a forest in Israel in her memory. My dad is going to buy the first 180 trees and friends and family will donate to buy the other 820 trees to compleate the forest in her memory. I spoke to her husband. He is broken. She was his universe. He really loved her so much. I watched them interat when I stayed with them this summer and he was crazy about her. After talking to him and crying with him. I realized two things. One is that I need to be as in love as they were with the person I marry and second, I am way too scared to love another person that much because what if they are taken from you or leave. I have been having all kinds of crazy thoughts and bad dreams this week and I hope she is in a better place cause we all miss her terribly.

I am getting ready to go to Florida with my bf. He has a house there and will be staying there for most of the winter. We are driving down so that he can have his car and dogs there and then both our moms are flying down to meet us a few days later. I think the plan is that they will babysit thedogs so that we can get away for a few days on a crusie or something :)
Although I am starting to learn some of his flaws and see that he is not perfect, I really like him and I am happy with him. We have tons of fun together and laugh like crazy. And he sometimes really surprises me with how sweet and romantic he can be! For Hannukah he got me a beautiful black pearl necklace and he is always thinking of me with flowers and chocolates and sweetness. I am a lucky girl.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Update 39

Things with my bf continue to be great! This past week was tons of fun. We introduced our mothers and the four of us spent the day together downtown. We went for lunch and saw a play and the moms really hit it off! I had lunch with his sister and her beautiful baby. A woman at the restaurant asked me if the baby was my niece and I said yes :) hopefully one day she really will be!
Friday night I brought him over to the rabbis house for Shabbat dinner. This was very interesting to say the least. He is Jewish but has issues with the hypocrisy of orthodox Judaism. I made him promise to behave and to keep his thoughts to himself and to just enjoy the meal. He promised he would and dinner was going great.... Until the rabbi leaned over and asked him "so what intrigues you about Judaism?" I jumped in and in what felt like slow motion yelled noooooooooooooooooooo! That was it! The can of worms was opened! And there was nothing I could do about it! He started a huge debate about religion and the laws and rules and the hypocrisy etc. Everyone joined in, the rabbi, his kids and the other guests. I had to go to the other room because I did not want to get involved and try to manage what he was saying like I normally do in past relationships. I let him just say whatever he wanted and knew it was not a reflection of who I was or what I believe. I let him be his own person and own his own thoughts feelings and beliefs. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but for me it was HUGE! Turns out that it was the best shabbat dinner everyone has had in a very long time. The kids loved the debate, the rabbi thought my bf was brilliant and his arguments were fantastic. He was so impressed with how knowledgeable he was about all the rules and laws to even be able to argue them as well as he did. And my bf had a fantastic time getting to argue things that he has been dying to say to a rabbi! So it was a hit! It also meant a lot to me that the rabbi liked my bf and that my bf liked the rabbi!

Saturday we babysat his niece. We took her to the mall then to a toy store. He bought her such cute toys that I picked out ;) It was so much fun playing house together. He loves her so much and I can see that he will be an amazing father one day.

A few people have written some concerns about me talking to my ex. This week we maybe messaged back and forth for a short few minutes and nothing important was really said. I honestly don't think of him. If he messages me I answer but I really couldn't care less if I speak to him. I was asked yesterday by a friend what would happen if me and my bf break up, would I go back with my ex? My honest answer was no. I know that I am able to find happiness with another man and I know that it feels so wonderful to love without a heavy and unsure heart. I know how I feel about Judaism and about my family and I would not compromise that, especially not after all that I have been through this year.
In fact, I am trying to start a group for Jewish women to raise awareness of the importance of having a Jewish home and keeping secular Judaism alive. It is obviously a topic close to my heart.

So to sum up... I am super happy in my relationship. I love his family and they love me. He loves my family and they love him and even our moms like each other! He likes the rabbi and the rabbi likes him! Oh, and I love him and he loves me, lol!

Its his birthday next week.. any ideas of what I should do? I want it to be very special! I already got him an iPad but I want to do something nice the day of.... :)


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Update 38

The Ultimate test:

Last Thursday I was sitting at my bubby's (mom's mom) dinner table next to my boyfriend when my blackberry made an email noise. I looked at my phone and saw that I had just received an email from my ex. I felt a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. I tried to discreetly read the email. He thanked me for respecting his space and giving him the time he needed and asked for. He told me that he missed me and would like to catch up. He also told me that he had heard that I had been dating someone for a few months and wanted to know all about it.
My boyfriend looked over at me and asked if everything was okay. I said yes and closed my phone. I was caught off guard and didn't know what to think or feel. Was I being tested? Was my new relationship being tested? Why now? Why would he email me now, after I finally found some happiness and found a way to move on? After dinner I went over to my best friends house to talk to her about what I should do. Should I email him back and catch up and risk getting emotionally involved again and missing him and bringing up old feelings? Should I delete and ignore the email? I really wasn't sure what the right decision was so I decided to do nothing and give it a few days. I had been waiting so long for this email and now that I got it I didn't know how to feel about it. I worried that he only wrote because he heard that I had moved on and wanted to sabatoge it or something. I had so many fears and worries about what the right thing to do was. I called up my boyfriend and told him that I got this email and I told him the truth about how I was feeling and about my concerns and that I didn't know what to do. He listened and told me that he trusts me and trusts that I will make a good decision and that he doesn't think this would bother him or come between us. I thanked him for being so understanding.
The next night I stayed over at his house and started to compare him to my ex. I started to create arguments and find things that made me mad. After he fell asleep I called my best friend and told her that I was freaking out and I was starting to sabotage. After talking to her and realizing what I was doing I crawled back into bed, into his arms and squeezed him tight. I decided to keep moving forward with him and not to let my past and thoughts and ex ruin an amazing relationship. I put the email out of my head. I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and we had a great time! We spent the day downtown and then had dinner with my parents and sister and brother in law, saw friends, and even took his niece trick or treating! Then Sunday when I got home, I went online and my ex messaged me. I was hesitant but I wrote back. We started chatting and then ended up speaking on skype. It turned out to be a great conversation. He was in a good place where he was really able to hear all about me and my new bf. He told me what he had been up to the last almost year and the convo went surprisingly well. I didn't feel anything I was worried I might feel. It felt like an old friend catching up. I didn't feel like I wanted to see him or that I missed him or that I had made the wrong choice. It felt just perfect the way it went. Before we hung up I made one boundary clear... I said that we could try to be friends as long as I didn't start trying to get things from him that I was supposed to be getting from my bf (eg. attention or compliments etc). I wanted him to act as a friend and not take on a boyfriend role in my life. And that was it ; my one rule of our friendship.
I spoke to my bf about all of it and remained completely honest with him. I told him about my rule and he said that it seems more then fair. He promised to let me know if it ever bothered him and I made sure he knew that his feelings were at the top of my priority list.
This is just one more thing that makes me feel so grateful for him and how amazing and rational and understanding he is. I am a lucky girl!!!
And if that was a test.. I believe I passed with flying colors!!!
I am completely confident that I made the right choice and I am even more in love with my bf after this experience.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Update 37

Wow, I can't believe its been over a month since I have been on my blog to update.
Things are still going great! We have been together just over two months now. We are still learning about each other and getting to know each other better. So far its been a fun process. We have both become quite close with each others families. He came on a road trip with me and my sister and her husband and we all had the most amazing time! He totally clicked with my brother-in-law, which is a dream come true because I am so close with my sister and its nice that all four of us can hang out and have fun together. This weekend he is away and I have already hung out with his mom and sister and have plans to meet his sister again tonight for coffee. His family is so much like mine! They are warm and loving and sarcastic and hilarious! They are really kind to me and make me feel like part of their family. We have already taken each other to a few family functions in such a short time. He met my whole extended family for the breaking of the fast, came to a family friends bat-mitzvah, met the rabbi and his wife, and came to my good friends engagement party. I have been to his niece's first birthday party (bought her the most adorable juicy sweat suit), to his dad's wife's birthday party, shabbat dinner at his house, and met all his friends from the village in central america.
We have gone to the symphony twice and so many movies and bubble tea and dinners and we just have a great time together.
I am struggling a bit with the amount of time he works in a day. He does make tons of time for me but will then stay up til 5 am doing work on some days and be exhausted the next day. He is very ambitious and has a few different business going on at once as well as being a lawyer. I am trying to be super supportive and not needy but its sometimes hard for me. I find that instead of being upset if he is too busy, it is way healthier for me to just fill up my schedule with more clients and friends and just to try to keep busy. That way I am focusing on myself and not on what he is up to.
we have a few more travel plans in the works for the winter and I am excited to go away with him.

I still continue to feel truly blessed that we found each other. I try to focus on all the amazing positives and not on the one or two negatives, which is a big change for me! We don't fight and he is always willing to hear how I feel. He has been so wonderful to me so far and I just hope it keeps going this great!!

The rabbi has asked me to share my story to a group of religious people from a Jewish organization. He thinks its an amazing story about faith and how G-d works in mysterious ways. I have agreed to do it.

I will let you know how it goes :)

Sorry for not updating sooner... Been on cloud 9 :)

Monday, September 13, 2010

Update 36

Its been just over a month and things are going amazing!!
Two days after he left to Central America, he called me to tell me that 2 weeks without me is too long. He already misses me and wants to share his favorite little village with me. Then he sent me a plane ticket to join him (and booked me all window seats :) . I felt crazy accepting it but decided to go with my gut which was JUST GO AND ENJOY LIFE FOR ONCE! He fell in love with this small village a few years ago and got a place there. He goes a few times a year and knows the whole village. When I arrived there, everyone was so excited to meet me. He had 500 flowers waiting for me in his place! We had the best week! We went into the village (its a very poor village filled with the most amazing and happiest people I have ever met)and gave out children's toys and clothes and candy that I brought. He is the most generous man I have ever met! It was just such a humbling experience for me. These children were sooo happy to receive a piece of candy or small teddy bear. It was like we made their year! It really made me appreciate everything I have and made me so grateful that I was so privileged. He also met a man with 6 children who lost his house in a mudslide, so he moved them all into the lower level of his place. They were the most wonderful family in the world. The sweetest and most respectful children I have ever met in my life. I fell in love with the family. While he worked during the day, I played with the kids and took them into the village for ice cream and treats. They were so cute! I didn't want to leave them :( Then we found a lost kitten so he left milk out for it and it snuck into our house and would not leave my side. It slept with me every night and followed me around all day. I am really not such a cat person but this kitten was adorable!!! We named her and bought her food and arranged for all her shots and asked the kids to take good care of her for us when we left. Also I went for a full week not caring about bugs or being dirty or not having my hair done. It was a nice change. I felt relaxed and happy there with him. We spent Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year) there. He knew I was sad about not being home with my family so he made it so special for me! He made me matzo ball soup and got me apples and honey and had a beautiful dinner made for us. I brought a kiddish cup and prayer books from home and we had a wonderful New Years dinner together. It was really special to me that I cared so much about making the holiday perfect for me. He honestly treated me like a princess for the entire week. I didn't have to lift a finger. I was also really good to him. I didn't take advantage of him for one second. I was grateful and appreciative of everything he was doing. I feel very lucky.
I was a bit worried that maybe we wouldn't get along or we would find stuff out about each other that was annoying or irritating but none of that happened! The week could not have been any more perfect! I am so happy!!!
I will try to update once in a while... not every detail but some stuff :)
I can't thank everyone enough for the love and support and nice emails etc. You guys are all amazing and I am grateful for every person that has been following and supporting me through this!!!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Forty Sixth Date

He found me on jdate 3 months ago before I stopped going online. We exchanged bbm’s. He lives half the year in one state but his family lives here and so does he for the other half. We spoke a few times but it never worked out to meet. When he was in town I was busy or I was out of town and it just never worked out. After I got back from Israel he messaged me and told me that he was back in town for the next 4 months and would love to finally meet me. We made plans for Friday night but he ended up asking if we could change it to Saturday. I was fine with that because the rabbi had asked me to come over anyways (that’s the night I was over til 2 am and cried my eyes out). So the next night I met him. I had promised the rabbi to go with a good attitude and not to dismiss him for shallow things, like I had been doing on every date.

He was not as tall as I usually like and he was balding; both things that would have not gotten him a second date in the past. But I didn’t pay any attention to it. He took me out for a beautiful dinner and salsa dancing. He was not a great dancer but he couldn’t have cared less! He had so much confidence! He was a gentleman. He opened doors and arranged the whole evening. We had great conversation and time was just flying by. After dinner he told me that he needed to walk his dogs and asked if I wanted to join. I didn’t want the night to end so I went with him and his 2 dogs for a walk. He didn’t try anything. He was respectful and kind and gentle. All qualities I have been saying I want (like my ex was) and yet going out with the opposite of that. As soon as I left I got a bbm message saying “You looked absolutely beautiful tonight”. It was so sweet and simple and I finally was in a place where I was able to hear that form someone without dismissing him as a desperate nerd. He asked me to let him know when I got home safe and I couldn’t wait to get home to call him. His first question was “when am I taking you out again”. He was so assertive and confident and I just really liked him. I told him that since it was my sister’s wedding the following weekend, I was going to be very busy and that my only free day was Monday. He said perfect, I will make a reservation at a cool place right away. I was so not used to someone that was taking charge and making all the plans and wanting to make me so happy. We went out Monday and had an even more incredible time. We went to a really cool place and held hands for 3 hours. I felt like a teenager, getting excited about holding hands. Our chemistry was insane! We kissed that night at the table and it was a perfect first kiss. Wednesday night some cousins came in from out of town for the wedding and I invited him out with us. I saw him again Thursday and again on Friday. Sunday was my sister’s wedding. I debated inviting him but decided against it. It was too soon and I wanted to take it slow. I didn’t want to attract any evil eye to jinx this. And I didn’t want all the crazy old people to ask him when we are next after only knowing each other for a week. He came over while we were taking the pictures and took my dog for the entire day cause he didn’t want me to have to worry about her while I was so busy. HOW NICE IS THAT?!?!? He kept looking at me like he had never seen a more beautiful girl in his life. I felt so amazing! He then picked me up from the wedding and drove me home. He came in for a bit and we just lay in bed together kissing and cuddling. We kiss great together. I saw him again on Monday and today he left for a trip for two weeks. He told me he has never felt like this before and that he wants me to come with. I told him he was crazy and that it was too soon, even though I sooo wanted to go with him. He told me that he was going to miss me like crazy even though we just met. He left and I miss him. It sounds crazy but I miss him. I really do. Keeping my fingers crossed for this one. I have a really great feeling about him. He treats me how every woman should be treated and it is nice not to have a heavy heart for once. I told him all about my story with my ex and how the night before I spoke to the rabbi and had we gone out Friday instead of Saturday it would have been our first and last date. He kissed me and told me that he believes that everything happens for a reason. And he asked if he could send the rabbi flowers to thank him, lol.

The scariest part is that the night before I met him, I prayed for a Jewish version of my ex and he treats me even better (so far) and has the same ideas about a relationship. The most insane part is that I asked him his Hebrew name and I almost burst into tears when he told me.... it’s the same name as my ex. Quite literally the Jewish version of my ex, just like I asked for.

Just when I was about to give up on G-d and Judaism and this experiment, G-d threw me a curve ball :)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Update 35

Friday night I went to the rabbis house. He asked me how things were going and I told him that I had just gone on date 45 and it didn't work out. I told him I had 5 more to go and then I could go and try to talk with my ex, if he would even talk to me. I told him that it made sense in my head and I had decided from the beginning that if 50 dates didn't work out then that meant G-d wanted me to be with my ex. I told him that I was still unsure if I could be okay with marrying a non jew but that I couldn't live like this anymore. I told him that after the next 5 I will have to make a decision and I am leaning towards just trying to make it work with him and just finding a way to be okay with the fact that we may not have such a Jewish home or my kids may not identify as strongly with Judaism. I told him I was not there yet but after the next 5 I would force myself to get there.

The truth is that since I spoke to my ex a month ago on my birthday I have been insane and obsessed with what to do. Just that one hour conversation put me back 10 months. I have been an absolute wreck. He is all I talk about to everyone and anyone that will listen. All I think about is what I should do about us. I feel like an obsessed crack addict searching for a hit. I felt like i was beginning to be okay and then talking to him was like a relapse that put me back to where I was when he left. I have been driving myself crazy going back and forth in my head about what to do. SOme days I know for sure that I want to be with him and will do whatever it takes and then the next day it is so clear to me that it can never work.

There was a woman at the rabbis house who was visiting them from Israel. Her and her 17 year old daughter started talking with me and the rabbi and his wife after the meal. She told me a bit about herself. She was originally from my city and she was secular. When she got married her and her husband decided to be more religious and they moved to Israel to raise their family. I told her about my ex and my situation and that I missed him and wanted so badly to be with him and make it work.
We all talked til almost 2 in the morning. We talked about the fact that I have not been giving a lot of the last few guys a fair chance because my ex is in my head again and that I can't do the last 5 with that attitude or its not a fair challenge. She mentioned that perhaps I met my ex to show me that there are amazing guys like him out there. And that I can and do deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I don't know exactly what else was said but I remember her daughter (very smart young woman) asking me one question. Do you think G-d wants you to marry a non Jew? Without hesitation I answered no. I tried to back track and then explain myself by saying that he wants me to be happy and my ex can make me happy etc. but I heard my own initial answer and it was no. Whether or not that is true (I dont know G-d's will) it is what I feel is true. I left his house and cried the entire way home vowing never to go back.

I felt like a crazy person. I just wanted the noise in my head to stop. I felt like my own thoughts were torturing me and holding me hostage. I was so frustrated. The more I tried not to think the harder and more obsessively I was thinking. I couldn't stop crying I had lost complete control of my own mind and thoughts and I considered driving myself to the mental hospital at 2 in the morning. I honestly couldn't take it anymore. I was mad at the rabbi for inviting me to his house and having me talk to those people, I was mad at my mom (obviously, I always am on this topic) and I was mad at the people in my life who push for love and tell me to go be with him. I wanted everyone to shut up and leave me the F alone. I got home and my mom was still awake and she could see that i had been crying. I told her that I was going crazy. I explained to her that every day, even every hour I change my mind. Not just a little, I change it to "I am 100% sure I am going to be with him" and then an hour later "I am 100% sure I can't be with him". I cried until 6 am and made a decision to stop getting advice from anyone about this. It is a matter of my heart fighting with my head and no one could understand the battle but me. I feel very sad but I needed to hear my own self say out loud that I do not feel right marrying a non Jew.
So I am back to being in the worst possible place in my mind. Unsure. Confused. Frustrated and Angry at myself for being a coward.

That night I lay in bed and prayed for a Jewish version of my ex, just like that lady said.

My Forty Fifth Date

I caved and went back on jdate. He messaged me and added me to bbm. He seemed nice and his pictures were okay, nothing special. I met him in his area on Wednesday night, my only really free night during the week. We went out for coffee. I was getting so sick of these awkward coffee dates in the middle of the week. I forgot to put on heels which ended up being a very good thing because he was my height. He was very sweet but a bit awkward. It seemed like he was going through some sort of question check list with me. Almost like he had been coached about what to say and ask me. I had just come from a client and was very excited about the progress my client had made so I talked alot about what I do for a living. He told me in 2 brief sentences what he did. He does very well financially but his job sounds super boring. Even he agreed with that, lol. I spent a lot of time wishing I could like him. In theory he is a great guy I just felt nothing. I felt like I had become completely incapable of liking anyone. After the coffee shop closed he asked me if I would walk with him so I did. There was nothing particularly wrong with him I just so wasn't feeling it. I didn't really want to be there and the more I tried to force myself the worse it got. I finally told him that I needed to go cause it was getting late. He walked me back to my car, told me he had a great time and asked if we could do it again next week. I told him that this week is the week before my sisters wedding and I am going to be very busy with last minute things and out of town guests and told him that perhaps after the wedding I would be more available. He gave me an awkward hug and I left. He bbm'd me right away. I guess in theory thats sweet unless you don't like the person and then its a bit annoying. The next day he messaged me again saying that his friday night plans got canceled and wondered if I was free. I told him that Friday was no good cause I have shabbat dinner and then I am going to the rabbis house. A few days later he emailed me saying that he is sure that I must have noticed that his bbm isn't working (I had no clue cause I had not tried to message him) and that he would like to have my phone number so we could go out again. I wrote him back a very nice email telling him that I did not feel a romantic connection and that I wish him the best of luck cause he is a really great guy. It was not fair to him that I was just brushing him off, I needed to be clear with him so I was.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Update 34

When I got home, I started my guy detox. I made it so that I had no one to come home to. I deleted all the guys that I flirted with and could fool around with. No one picked me up from the airport, no one missed me and there was no one I missed and wanted to run home to. I was single. Totally single. I don't have a guy to go see a movie with to go to dinner with, to hang out with or someone I could even ask to be my date to my sister's wedding. I have never been this single. And I think I am actually okay.

In terms of Judaism.... I have been introduced to a few more rabbis and some people here that are supposed to help answer my questions and help me grow spiritually and religiously. I have made it clear to everyone that I am interested in becoming more spiritual but I am not yet comfortable with having religion rammed down my throat. I have been feeling very sad and empty for the last 2 months without my ex. There is a part of me that wants to screw this whole experiment, screw my parents and even Judaism and take the next flight to Europe. The other part of me is saying that if you are not with him because of Judaism then perhaps you should explore Judaism more and become more connected to the religion that I am choosing over the love of my life. Then I had a third idea. Why can't I become more connected to Judaism and then be with him and I wont have that fear that I will lose my Judaism if I am with him. If its strong enough then I wont lose it just because my partner is not Jewish.

I have been getting a million different opinions to this dilemma. I thought Israel would clear up all my doubts and give me clarity but I have never been more confused and conflicted in my life.

Since Israel I have stopped eating milk with meat. I barely used to eat it together until I started dating my ex over 2 years ago. I figure that its a small thing that I can do to show myself that I don't have to lose Judaism just because of the person I am with. And also it is my responsibility to keep myself connected. I can't blame the person I am with for me losing touch with my religion and culture etc. I have also explored the idea of trying to keep more of the customs and perhaps in the future I would want to keep the sabbath.

The most interesting opinion I got was that of my therapist. I did not see him for a month while I was away and then when I saw him this week we talked about my ex and about Judaism. The first thing he mentioned was the fact that I truly believed that the survival of the entire Jewish nation was on my shoulders. This could not be more me! I am a martyr for everything! I can't live for myself and my happiness. I need to make sure my parents and even grandparents are okay with everything I do. I hate to disappoint and let them down. And now I feel like I can't let down an entire nation of people!!! When he said it out loud, I could actually hear how ridiculous it sounded! I have to martyr being with the love of my life (who I have not been able to get over in almost a year and 44 men have not even come close to how great he is) just for the sake of Judaism and my unborn grandchildren.

The next thing he pointed out was the way I explain Judaism. I explain that I love it for its spirituality and family aspect. I love the unconditional love I feel from it and the way I can keep growing with it. I love how it makes me feel complete and connected to something.
Then I explained how my ex makes me feel. I ended up using the same words and adjectives to describe our relationship. It was such a crazy epiphany. The way I feel about my religion is the way I feel about him and the wonderful things that Judaism does for me and with me, so does he! He is the most spiritual person I know, more spiritual than some rabbis and religious people and he allows me to be myself without judgement and to grow and to be a better person.
So I was a bit amazed that the two represent the same things to me and that my life could be AMAZING if there was a way to have both.

Man, do I have some serious thinking to do... I have started to get mini anxiety attacks when I think about him and hopefully that is my body telling me that I need to make a decision soon cause I can't take the back and forth for very much longer.